"Meraki"

            I’ve been very interested lately in the meaning of words and honestly, just the meaning of everything in general. I think with words, it amazes me to see how many words there are in the world, but how many we don’t know. So I love learning new words and being able to use them in my vocabulary. A lot of times were not taught all these awesome words that are out there. One of my favorites right now has been “meraki.” It means “to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put something of yourself into your work.” I love that word because it’s something that I live by. Whatever I go after, whether it’s a dream or a task that I need to do, whenever I jump on it, I go all the way with it. I will always be creative and I will always put myself into my work. Creativity and being myself is the one thing that nobody can take away from me. I think that’s why I am so into art.

“We got all we need, got no more

You’re never fully dressed without a smile,

And if you stand for somethin’ you can have it all,

If it’s real, you’ll open every door,

You’re never fully dressed without a smile.”

“You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile” by Sia (originally from “Annie” the musical)

Fashion Show and State Speech Competition

               This week is insanely busy, but super exciting. On thursday, our school is hosting there very first Fashion show. We started a fashion show this year and Maurices has decided to sponsor our event and give us clothes to style off for there spring collection. So we have models, stage designers, makeup artists, hair artists, and more, all from our student club. It should be pretty cool to see how many people come and how much fun our models work it on stage.  The theme is very pastel and bohemian, just in time for spring!  have been helping put together the show with some of the captains and it's been a blast getting to know everyone in the club and learn about there passions and interesting facts. For the fashion show, I will be doing hair on one of my best friends and also MCing for the whole show with one of the captains (which means we will be announcing the interesting facts and what the models are wearing). It should be really fun and i'm excited to see the outcome.

             As well as the fashion show, I am working hard and practicing my scripts for speech because our state tournament, and my very last one i will ever compete in, is saturday. I'm doing my duo "Annette and Gina" with my duo partner. It is about two friends discussing how their friendship is a lot like Anita and Maria in West side story. It's a really funny piece and i hope we do well in the competition. It's going to be kind of a bitter day on saturday, knowing that it is my last competition that I will compete in with speech. I love my speech family more than words can say and I would do anything for them at the drop of a hat. We have all become like family over the past years and it's going to be sad not competing with them. However, endings come and new chapters begin, so i'm excited to see how far my acting will get me in the future. 

"Some people want it all, but i don't want nothing at all,

If i aint you baby.... some people want diamond rings,

some just want everything, but everything means nothing

If i aint got you"

"If i ain't you" by Alicia Keys

FCCLA Conference 2015

          A couple weekends ago, I went to my conference for FCCLA (Family Community Career Leaders of America) and got to talk about the talks i have given recently and the things that i have been doing to help raise awareness of mental illness. I've been busy making up school work from the days that I missed, that i haven't had the chance to write about it yet. 

          The convention was AMAZING!!! It was a group of about 20 people and we had 3 amazing teachers who are the leaders of the group go. We left on a sunday and headed to downtown Indianapolis where we would be staying until tuesday. We arrived around 4:30 and checked in and unpacked our things. Some people presented that night and some people were presenting Monday morning. My presentation wasn't until Monday morning, so I just went and supported the people going that night. FCCLA also had an opening ceremony for the convention, in which people held banners for their school and got to meet the FCCLA state officers. Not much really happened that day, and we went to bed after the ceremony at around 12 and got some rest for the really busy day ahead.

          Monday morning I woke up at 7 and had to go to an orientation for my event at 8:30. At the orientation, they basically explained the things we needed for our presentation and told us the times that we present. I presented 3rd at 9:50. Going into the presentation, I was SOOOO nervous. I was thinking to myself that I couldn't do it and that maybe I should just skip it. I was shaking so bad, but just as i told myself all these things, the judges called my name and it was time for me to present. I opened up with my original song "Hold On" and basically talked about the places I have talked at and the influences it has had on me and other people. It lasted about 10 minutes and by the end of the presentation, I felt really good about it what I have done over the last couple of months and felt pretty confident. After the presentation, I got to attend a really cool meeting about Family Consumer Science Education programs at colleges that my teachers took me to, knowing that I was interested in pursuing that as a career. It was really interesting and I met some teachers that are teaching the courses at colleges like Purdue and Ball State. I received a lot of information on it. Right after that, all the kids that came attended the FCCLA at the table meeting and got to introduce and talk to other people in FCCLA and actually talk to some of the state officers. Then, we all ended up going swimming as a group and talked for like 2 hours. It was really fun to talk to everyone and get the chance to rest and hang out. Later that night after we ate an afternoon dinner, we had another orientation we had to attend. It lasted almost 3 hours and was really long but there were some really inspiring people that talked and I will always remember the stories that were told and the advice given. FCCLA set up a dance 8 that night and we went there ready to get the party on (: Everyone, even all the teachers, danced to the extreme and it was an extremely fun party. We didn't know anyone there so everyone felt free to just dance like nobodies business. There was a dance circle, some dares that our group made up to see how many people we could talk to in five minutes, and more. After the dance, everyone was still really hyped from the party that we all went to one hotel room (no teachers, i think they were exhausted haha) and we played a fun game of never have I ever. Many interesting things were told and we got to know more about each other. We stayed in that room till around 1a.m and then me and my roommates went back to our room. We were leaving the next day and we had to organize our things so that we could pack in the morning. We went to bed at around 2, so it was a long, but fun day Monday.

         Tuesday, we all got up and packed our things because we were leaving at around 1 that afternoon. After packing our things, we went to the awards ceremony where we got to see the places we got in the conference. It was very nerve-racking. In my event, I ended up getting a bronze and the rest of our team did very well also. Some people even qualified for nationals in the summer in Washington D.C. So overall, our group did very well and I'm so proud of everyone and their accomplishments. The awards ceremony lasted a long time and after we all got our things and boarded our bus for the way home, only to stop at Wich Wich because everyone was starving haha. 

         The FCCLA conference was amazing and soo fun. I got to meet some new really cool people and also get to know more about my peers in the group. The teachers were all so cool and I'm so grateful to them that they took out 3 days out of their schedule to come to a conference with a bunch of high schoolers. They are the best and are honestly like friends to all of us. I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, as it opened my eyes to all the amazing things people do around the community, it made me grow and expand my thoughts on upcoming things I want to do about mental illness, and lastly, it made me become more confident that I can do what I put my mind to. I will never forget this amazing experience and i hope for many more opportunities to come!

"You're so oblivious, to words I've never said,

Isn't it obvious, that we could always get

To a place where we would make mistakes, 

All you've seen is beauty, well, 

This is the ugly, this is the ugly truth."

"Ugly Truth" by Lauren Aquilina

Teacher Inspiration

       So latley, i'm not sure why but I just haven't been in a very good mood. My mind has just been constantly thinking about everything that's happened, what's going to happen, and i've been having trouble trusting people in general. So that makes school difficult for me when I can't even trust my own teachers besides like 3. The need to do things to myself has kind of been on my mind lately too so it scares me and I try and fight of the urge, but you know, it's difficult. Just a lot is on my plate right now and I'm having some trouble with myself and in school. I can't even focus in school right now. 

       However, today I watched one of the coolest videos that a teacher at my school made. It was this trip that she took during the summer to go and help kids who are far behind in school. It was one of the coolest things I have watched. Latley, at least since something went down at my school, when I think of teachers I just think of someone who acts like they care but really they are just teaching us and don't care about how they make us feel or whether we pass or not. But seeing this video gives me hope and appreciation that at least I know that someone cares about there students and would do anything for them. I'm so happy that I get the chance to have her as a teacher and now it makes me want to know more and do more for people. 

        This teacher has inspired me to do the things that I want to do with no questions asked. I bet she never thought that she would be traveling to help other people. That's exactly what I want to do. I want to travel and help other people with mental illness. I want people to know that they aren't alone and that getting help sometimes isn't a bad thing. Or that if people are thinking about self harming, to not do it because it honestly never goes away. I have been on the road to recovery since October and yes I've messed up but as long as your making progress, your heading in the right direction. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to act like I am, but I know that this teacher has given me confidence to try and work a little harder at getting better in my recovery and also to help as many people as I can. So thanks to that teacher (: lol PEACE

"In the darkest night hour, I'll search through the crowd,

Your face is all that I see, I'll give you everything, 

baby love me lights out."

"XO" by John Mayer (cover---originally sang by Beyonce).

Falling into place

          There's this saying that "things fall apart so that other things can fall together." I truly believe in this. When I was depressed and self-harming, my life was not how I should be living it, and I knew that. So I got help and I began to get better and while everything can be hard, I wouldn't trade the experience that I have with this mental illness. Because of it, I learned what it feels like to be at the lowest point and now i'm working on feeling what it's like to be at the highest point. It all goes up from here. Because of it, new opportunities have come my way. I never in a million years thought that I would be talking to adults and kids about my issues. Because of it, I can help people and truly have a passion for something. I'm excited beyond words of what's to come for me on this journey and I'm so blessed with all these open doors that I am receiving and have received. If you're going through a hard time right now, just remember that everything happens for a reason and maybe you don't see it now, but someday you will and you will feel awesome.  

"You got to know how to treat me like a lady,

Even when i'm acting crazy Tell me every things alright,

Dear future husband, if you wanna get that special lovin',

Tell me i'm beautiful each and every day."

"Dear Future Husband" by Meghan Trainor

Creativity

          

           Creativity is one of the first things that we learn as kids. Whether your two years old and playing with dolls or if you’re 10 and your writing a song, creativity is all around us. But as we grow older and deal with school, creativity begins to decrease and almost vanish. Schools haven’t really taught us that creativity with our answers and the way we learn is correct. We are always taught to look at a question a specific one and that there is only one right answer. But in the real world, that’s not the case. You have say and you have freedom in what you think. Yes, some classes in school have to only have one answer, like math; but with other subjects, we are limited on what we say and interpret even though there could be multiple answers. So when you get to an art class or maybe an innovation class and they ask you to be creative with your answer and the way you interpret the meaning of things, people get completely stumped as if they don’t know how to be creative. And a lot of times, people have just forgotten how, which is sad. Creativity is something that I never want to lose. That’s why my sketchbook is so important to me. Anytime I feel the need to do something creative, I have a place to go.

“ I’d listen to her cause I know how it hurts,

When you lose the one you wanted,

Cause he’s taking you for granted,

And everything you had got destroyed,

If I were a boy.”

“If I were a boy” by Beyonce

Throwback

         After talking with the middle schoolers and seeing what they are going through, it made me upset knowing that those kids are going through things that I went through at there age and even some kids had it worse then that. So that made me start thinking about all the things that I did in 7th grade and how hard it was, so I started searching for my 7th/8th grade journal and I ended up finding it. I was really excited at first to see what my mind was like each day I wrote in it. I don't remember a lot of my middle school life because when you are depressed, it's almost like walking around in a daze. 

          However, once I started reading it, I saw things that really stood out to me. I don't think you notice how bad things were when your at a low point in your life. Sure I remember feeling all these emotions that I felt, but some of the things that I thought about myself or things I wanted to do, just were shocking to me. I felt so disgusted with myself, to the point where I think that I deserved what I was doing and even wanted to do more. That led my thinking to the end of junior year when everything was just too much. The things I was doing, I wanted to do more and more because all the pain that I was doing through self harm and stuff, just wasn't enough for me. Thats when I realized that I needed to change. It scared me. I scared even myself. 

           So going through my journal entries and looking at the things that these middle schoolers wrote, made me gain even more determination and passion to make a difference in mental illness. We need to raise awareness because if we don't, then things will get worse and more people will live in pain everyday. Life is supposed to be fun. So we have to help ourselves. Once, we help ourselves we can start helping other people. And even if you help one person in this world, it will all be worth it.

"Take me, this is all that i've got, this is all that i'm not,

All that i'll ever be, I've got flaws, I've got faults,

Keep searching for your perfect heart,

It doesn't matter who you are,

We all have our scars."

"Scars" by Allison Iraheta

Oblivion

         Today i spent a lot of time working on my sketchbook. It was just one of those days where i needed to get everything out and sort things out in my head. I've been having a lot of stress and anxiety lately, so i needed to do something that could help me forget a little bit and express myself. 

          If you don't have a sketchbook, I encourage you to start one. It's something that, as well as acting and singing, has helped me SOOOO much with everything that i have struggled with. I first started my sketchbook my junior year in my AP Photography class. One of my favorite teachers had us start one so we could figure ourselves out and find out who we really are. And i love the idea of that because once you start it, you kind of understand what he meant when he said that. It's like meeting yourself for the first time. It's amazing to know who you are because once you do, you won't change for anything and you can learn how to grow and help yourself. 

           Once junior year ended, I was so attached to this thing that i continued it and have worked on it almost everyday. My sketchbook is halfway done already and even once i finish it, i will start a new one. One of my biggest fears is the thought of oblivion and how once you die, your not going to exist and eventually people will forget you. So I think that is probably one of my favorite things about this sketchbook. It's something that will always be there and will always be a part of me and if i die tomorrow or i grow up and have kids to share it with, it will always be there. Someone once said, "Something exists as long as something is around to remember it." and i believe that is exactly what my sketchbook is. 

"Were only getting older baby and i've been thinking about it lately,

Does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes,

Everything that you ever dreamed of disappearing when you wake up,

but there's nothing to be afraid of even when the night changes"

"Night Changes" by One Direction

What is beauty?

            All the time in the media or at school we always hear these two words “beauty” and “ugly.” Today in English we were talking about how those two words were the complete opposite of each other and it really got me thinking if they really are. “Beauty” and “ugly” don’t really have specific definitions, they are just words we use to describe something in our own opinion. I’m not an extremely religious person, but I know that somehow, this earth was created whether it was through God or just randomly appeared. However, I do think that whatever made this earth, there was a reason for it and by no means was it created to be “ugly.” I think that everything around us is beautiful. There is a reason to everything that happens and everything that is on this earth. So whether we see the beauty in it or not, everything has beauty. Its just not everyone sees it. I kept that in mind all day today and I started seeing things that I never really took time to examine or really think about and I started to see beauty in these things that I once took for granted and created hope in the things that are going on right now.

“Come on now make it stop,

if you got beauty beauty just raise em’ up,

cause every inch of you is perfect

from the bottom to the top.”

“All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor

Happiness?

                  Today in general, I’ve been thinking about happiness a lot. It’s something we all strive to have, but in reality, if you don’t TRY to be happy, you won’t be happy. So while I’m thinking a lot about this idea of what happiness really is and how it’s different for everyone, I thought back to a question an old teacher of mine asked once. She asked me what MY pursuit of happiness was, not what everyone else thought it was. At the time she asked me, I didn’t really know. I made up some story of getting a nice paying job and living in paradise somewhere. She also asked me what one moment or event in life has made me reach my pursuit of happiness and I also couldn’t answer that question.

                  But now as I’m thinking back on these two questions, I feel like I finally have an answer. The pursuit of happiness isn’t defined by a moment or achieving one thing. Sure, I could have a nice paying job and live in paradise somewhere, but at the end of the day, am I really happy? I think the pursuit of happiness is an ongoing cycle. It never ends. You’re always going to want more and sometimes life can take you 3 steps forward and push you 9 steps back. That’s just how life is. Everything is just uncertain these days. Nobody can define the pursuit of happiness. The one thing I know for a fact, is that you’ll never come close to reaching it if you don’t try.   

“Well don’t act like you haven’t been there,

seven A.M. with the bed head,

Everybody knows it’s the walkashame,

My daddy knows I’m a good girl,

We all make mistakes in the drunk world,

Everyone here’s done the walkashame.”

“Walkashame” by Meghan Trainor