This blog isn't a place for me to
talk about all my struggles and create a sob story. I want people to understand
a problem that many people have, and realize that they need to get help. I want
people to feel like things will get better if you just take the first step in
trying to solve your problems.
I
struggled with a lot ever since 7th grade with trying to figure out why I am on
this earth, and who I am meant to be, so I turned to some bad things. I began
to be depressed and gained a lot of anxiety and OCD habits. I would get so down
or have so much anxiety that I didn't know how to handle any of it. So I began self-harming myself in 7th grade. I would feel so unworthy and
disgusting with my self or not good enough with my grades. It was hard at that time but I stayed busy focusing on
music and acting as a way for me to express my feelings, because I have never been
good at talking about how I feel (and I’m still not really), but I'm getting
there. It takes time.
Cutting
was something that never stopped for me until this year (my senior year) when
my parents found out. See, I never asked for help because I was embarrassed
that I was doing that to myself and I didn't want to let anyone down. Also, at
the same time, I wanted to stop because I knew it was wrong, but I also didn't
because it helped me express whatever I was going through. To make sure no one
found out, I would put concealer on my scars every day. When my parents found
out, I didn’t feel the need to hide my scars anymore because I began to realize
that they are a part of me. It was a relief that I didn’t have to hide it
anymore, but it was also hard to just stop cutting right on the spot. I was put
into some counseling and began journaling every night; and ever since I have
been pretty good. They found out this past November and I have only done it
once since then. It's a day by day process, and a day never goes by where I
don't think about it or see my scars. I'm proud of myself and how far I’ve come.
The biggest lesson I've learned through this whole process is that asking for
help is not a bad thing. Sometimes you need help because some things are too
hard for you to take on by yourself. I think it almost makes you stronger when
you do ask for help because you are willing to make a change. I can honestly
say that I wish I would have asked for it sooner.
For
this blog, I want people to be able to feel like they can relate to someone and
that someone out there understands what they are going through and want you to
know that it will be ohkay. That's what I needed when I was going through my past
struggles. I’ve found those people, and I’ve realize that there are so many
people around me like my family, friends, and teachers that care so much and
are willing to do anything for at the drop of a hat. I don’t want to focus on
my story exactly, but the lesson learned from it and how far it’s gotten me
right now. That YOU can learn and grow from whatever is troubling you right now
also. To end my blogs, I will be posting a song that is on my mind because
music is important to me and has a way of relating to people in a way that
reading does not.
"Sometimes I feel like I can't
run, I can't crawl
And sometimes I feel like I ain't
nothing at all
Life is a journey where you stumble
and fall
But I'm okay"
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