OCD

Along with cutting, I also deal with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OCD is extremley hard to deal with because everything that you do, has to be a specific way or a specific order. There are different things that trigger OCD for each person, and I think a lot of people have a little touch of it, but mine has actually become a problem as I have gotten older. 

               I can't think of time where I wasn't OCD. Ever since I was little it has just been a part of me. In my case, order and numbers are a big thing. My favorite number is 6 (I'm not sure why, it just is) and so whatever I do has to be in multiples of six. So like cutting up my food, or setting out my clothes. Each number I do, has to be in terms of six. So like 2 and 3 would work because they multiply out to be 6. Or even numbers like 36 or 48 because you can multiply six by a umber to get those. It's all really confusing when I tell people, but for some reason it isn't to me. I have done it for so long that it is just natural. Here are some examples of what I'm OCD about, not including numbers: 

- My food CANNOT  touch

- Everything has to be aligned orderly (ex. tallest to shortest or by brand or category)

- Brushing my teeth has a routine and has to be repeated 3 times (multiple of six).

- I wash my hands 6 times a day, can't be 5 and it can't be 7.

- My nails are a new color after every educational cycle (every other day).

- My clothes are picked out 2 weeks in advance to the day I wear it (multiple of six).

-  Separate food (carrots on one side, peas on the other, meat on the other side (CASSEROLES SUCK).

- If I read the wrong work in a book or sing the wrong note/line, I have to start completely over.

               

               Those are just a few examples of what I am OCD about. I don't think people realize how much it  completely takes over your life as well as cutting. I've never really thought about it that much until recently when my therapist asked me, "How much time a day do you think that you spend cutting or being OCD a day?" That really shocked me because I never thought of it before and honestly, it probably would take up anywhere between 2-3 hours a day. That is 2-3 hours where I could be doing something else more productive or more meaningful. I'm working on it though. I haven't overcome it and probably never will, but I'm okay with a little OCD. You just have to own it. It's a part of me. 

"Staying in my play pretend,

where the fun ain't got no end

can't go home alone again,

need someone to numb the pain."

"Habits" by Tove Lo