Teachers make an Impact

I can honestly say I don’t know where I would be or what I would do without the teachers that I have become so close to in this past year. I'm not sure if students realize how big of an impact teachers can have on you. My teachers have always been the one's, besides friends and family, that I can go to with anything and they can help me or listen and give me advice. I don't really know why I go to them, I just have been able to trust them the most and sometimes can tell them things that I can't tell my family or friends. I know that they have seen or been through a lot of these things and can help you with it. I am no doubt grateful for the teachers that have helped me in this past year figure out who I am and what I need to do in bettering myself. My teachers never once said anything to anyone about what I have talked to them about, and I appreciate it so much. They were the one's that really made me think about getting help and how to deal with hardships. I have 3 teachers in particular that I know I could go to them for anything and they would be there for me in a drop of a hat. Even if things are going on in there lives, they are still here. I honestly don't know where I would be or what I would be doing, if I didn't have them in my life. There amazing and strong and inspiring. I'm forever grateful for having the chance to know them. My advice for this entry would be to reach out to anyone you trust and talk about what it is that is bothering you. Whether it is a teacher, a friend, a family member. Reach out to them and they will reach out to you. You never know who can make an impact on you.

"Beneath the stars kept

falling on our heads,

But they're just old light 

They're just old light."

"Samson" by Regina Spektor

OCD

Along with cutting, I also deal with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OCD is extremley hard to deal with because everything that you do, has to be a specific way or a specific order. There are different things that trigger OCD for each person, and I think a lot of people have a little touch of it, but mine has actually become a problem as I have gotten older. 

               I can't think of time where I wasn't OCD. Ever since I was little it has just been a part of me. In my case, order and numbers are a big thing. My favorite number is 6 (I'm not sure why, it just is) and so whatever I do has to be in multiples of six. So like cutting up my food, or setting out my clothes. Each number I do, has to be in terms of six. So like 2 and 3 would work because they multiply out to be 6. Or even numbers like 36 or 48 because you can multiply six by a umber to get those. It's all really confusing when I tell people, but for some reason it isn't to me. I have done it for so long that it is just natural. Here are some examples of what I'm OCD about, not including numbers: 

- My food CANNOT  touch

- Everything has to be aligned orderly (ex. tallest to shortest or by brand or category)

- Brushing my teeth has a routine and has to be repeated 3 times (multiple of six).

- I wash my hands 6 times a day, can't be 5 and it can't be 7.

- My nails are a new color after every educational cycle (every other day).

- My clothes are picked out 2 weeks in advance to the day I wear it (multiple of six).

-  Separate food (carrots on one side, peas on the other, meat on the other side (CASSEROLES SUCK).

- If I read the wrong work in a book or sing the wrong note/line, I have to start completely over.

               

               Those are just a few examples of what I am OCD about. I don't think people realize how much it  completely takes over your life as well as cutting. I've never really thought about it that much until recently when my therapist asked me, "How much time a day do you think that you spend cutting or being OCD a day?" That really shocked me because I never thought of it before and honestly, it probably would take up anywhere between 2-3 hours a day. That is 2-3 hours where I could be doing something else more productive or more meaningful. I'm working on it though. I haven't overcome it and probably never will, but I'm okay with a little OCD. You just have to own it. It's a part of me. 

"Staying in my play pretend,

where the fun ain't got no end

can't go home alone again,

need someone to numb the pain."

"Habits" by Tove Lo

What has helped Me

       A lot of people have asked me, "What got you through your problems?" It's a hard question to answer because when you are at a point that low in your life and turning to these bad habits, your not really getting "through" anything. i think you are almost doing the complete opposite. Your avoiding your problems in a way that is hurting yourself. When you start to self harm, you are bottling everything around you up inside of you and releasing those things physically on yourself. Also, once you start doing these things to yourself, your stuck with it. Self-harming is an addiction. There is always a chance for you to fall back on what was once so familiar to you. Theres never a day where you don't think about it and i don't think that ever will happen. But you have made it a part of you whether you like it or not. Nobody else has brought this burden on you, but yourself. I believe recognizing that is one of the first steps to recovery. You have to take the blame and be responsible for your actions. Once i realized that, i could take the first step in focusing on myself to get better and create alternative options when i feel the need to cut again.

       There were things that i was able to do to help cope with my feelings and the need to hurt myself. A lot of times i will journal in my sketchbook, take a walk, call a friend, take a drive, play my guitar and sing, or even search for acting scripts online to practice (i've been doing this since i was like 7). Basically, i try to do anything i can to keep myself occupied and not think about anything going on or what is on my mind. These things help a lot for me and usually 70% of the time work. There will always be times where your just can't stop yourself, but just make sure you get the help you need by reaching out and asking for it. It's hard, but it will all be worth it. Remember: whatever you go through and come out of, only makes us stronger. (:

"Deny this emptiness, this hole that i'm inside,

these tears, they tell there own story,

you told me not to cry when you were gone

But the feelings overwhelming, it's much to strong"

"Lay me down" by sam smith

Pick Up The Pen

     Communication is such an important thing. I think it's one of the most important key things in this world. Every one of us is put on this earth to communicate. That's one thing that every single person has in common. There are many forms of communication, but it's what makes us a functional world. It gives us history and purpose that are different than others. It gives us a past and a chance to communicate that past to people. The cool thing though, is sometimes people can relate to that history or purpose. That's why I believe it is so important to share with others what your going through or what has happened in your life so that maybe it can reach out to others and help them with their difficulties.

     It's important to remember that everyone has a story that you have no idea about. Maybe the person that is always being picked on is contemplating suicide or someone next to you in your math class goes home and is abused every single day. You NEVER know what someone is going through. Our stories are an interesting concept if you think enough about it. That's something that is constantly on my mind. How many stories I'M in. About all the stories that are in my story and the stories that are left to be written or rewritten. About how your story is still an ongoing story and your the one with the pen in your hand. You are the only one who can write your story. I think I realized all that by talking with multiple people and just thinking about that really made me realize that I can do anything I want to do and that I'm worthy of life because I have the opportunity to be someone and to write my OWN story.

"I'm only human,

And I bleed when I fall down,

I'm only human

And I crash and I break down,

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

I'm only human"

"Human" by Christina Perri

A Story To Tell

         This blog isn't a place for me to talk about all my struggles and create a sob story. I want people to understand a problem that many people have, and realize that they need to get help. I want people to feel like things will get better if you just take the first step in trying to solve your problems.

         I struggled with a lot ever since 7th grade with trying to figure out why I am on this earth, and who I am meant to be, so I turned to some bad things. I began to be depressed and gained a lot of anxiety and OCD habits. I would get so down or have so much anxiety that I didn't know how to handle any of it. So I began self-harming myself in 7th grade. I would feel so unworthy and disgusting with my self or not good enough with my grades. It was hard at that time but I stayed busy focusing on music and acting as a way for me to express my feelings, because I have never been good at talking about how I feel (and I’m still not really), but I'm getting there. It takes time.

         Cutting was something that never stopped for me until this year (my senior year) when my parents found out. See, I never asked for help because I was embarrassed that I was doing that to myself and I didn't want to let anyone down. Also, at the same time, I wanted to stop because I knew it was wrong, but I also didn't because it helped me express whatever I was going through. To make sure no one found out, I would put concealer on my scars every day. When my parents found out, I didn’t feel the need to hide my scars anymore because I began to realize that they are a part of me. It was a relief that I didn’t have to hide it anymore, but it was also hard to just stop cutting right on the spot. I was put into some counseling and began journaling every night; and ever since I have been pretty good. They found out this past November and I have only done it once since then. It's a day by day process, and a day never goes by where I don't think about it or see my scars. I'm proud of myself and how far I’ve come. The biggest lesson I've learned through this whole process is that asking for help is not a bad thing. Sometimes you need help because some things are too hard for you to take on by yourself. I think it almost makes you stronger when you do ask for help because you are willing to make a change. I can honestly say that I wish I would have asked for it sooner.

         For this blog, I want people to be able to feel like they can relate to someone and that someone out there understands what they are going through and want you to know that it will be ohkay. That's what I needed when I was going through my past struggles. I’ve found those people, and I’ve realize that there are so many people around me like my family, friends, and teachers that care so much and are willing to do anything for at the drop of a hat. I don’t want to focus on my story exactly, but the lesson learned from it and how far it’s gotten me right now. That YOU can learn and grow from whatever is troubling you right now also. To end my blogs, I will be posting a song that is on my mind because music is important to me and has a way of relating to people in a way that reading does not. 

"Sometimes I feel like I can't run, I can't crawl

And sometimes I feel like I ain't nothing at all

Life is a journey where you stumble and fall

But I'm okay"

- "In your arms" by Nico and Vinz