This past two weeks have been very stressful for me. As I mentioned in my other blog post, my grandma sadly passed away September 26 and that will forever be etched in to my mind. I don't think I have ever missed someone as much as I miss her right now. I miss her voice, her smell, her humor, and calling her. I picked up the phone the other day to call her and that was one of those moments where you sit back and realize that she isn't there anymore to call up and say hi. It's pretty hard for me right now, but with the support of family and friends, I will get through it. I know that she may not be with me physically, but I feel her almost everywhere I go. I cannot express how blessed I am to have gotten the chance to know her that long and I have the best guardian angel up there to look after me. The funeral has past, and I think that's the scariest part for me. I don't want to ever forget her. She gave me her cross necklace after she passed and that is what I hang on to at all times. I don't take it off, even to shower. I believe that's what keeps me and my grandma so close and close to my heart. With that necklace, she can never be forgotten and she WILL never be forgotten.
I ended up missing 3 days of school so these past two week I have been trying to catch up on my missing assignments as well as current homework and studying for exams. Tonight I had a psychology exam which I am hoping and praying I did good on. College isn't what I expected. I remember day dreaming about these days and I can tell you that my day dream did not fit what I saw. Yes, it's a lot more fun then I thought. I get more freedom and the atmosphere is one of the best things. There is always something to do. But it's also a lot harder then I thought. A lot more work to do. A lot more days where you can't be with family if you need to when your sad. You rely on yourself and only yourself.
I know people say it's bad to look back on your past, but lately that's what I have been doing. It's weird seeing how much has changed from a year ago; good and bad. Last year I was going through one of the hardest points in my life trying to get better mentally, I was dealing with situations that I never in a million years thought I would have to deal with, I was being a kid a year ago. Looking at my life now, it scares me because I feel like that "kid" is gone. Yes, you mature and that's good because you can't act like a kid always but I am also scared of loosing that kid personality. I don't always want to be serious. As long as I live, I always what that part of me that can be a kid and not be afraid to make mistakes or care about what others think or worry about bigger issues or seeing yourself so differently than you do now. It's just weird and I know you can't really change that back, but some of me wishes to get that back.
As of right now currently, I know I have so much more progress to make. And even with these big obstacles in the way, I just keep reminding myself that there is someone out there that has it worse and to enjoy these 4 years because you can only live in this moment once so you better make the most of it. It's not fun to go around sulking and I know that nobody would want that, so being happy is the best thing to do for yourself. So I am going to continue living a happy life and do adventurous things and be fearless because I need more of that.
"Let's marvin Gaye and get it on,
You got that healing that I want,
Just like they say it in the song, until the dawn,
Let's marvin Gaye and get it on."
"Fight Song" by Rachel Platten
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