Note to self in the future

            Right now there are so many things I wish to change about myself or hope changes in the future. I know things will change, and I’m scared. But then again, if someone told me 10 years from now that nothing changed; I wouldn’t be happy. I hope someday when I’m older that I’ll have kids that can talk to me about everything that they go through. That when everyone else in their life leaves, I will always be there for them. Like a best friend. I hope to be married to the love of my life and never grow out of it. I hope that every time I see him, I get butterflies in my stomach like the first time I met him. I wanna feel like I can take on the world with him. I know that whatever I will do in the future, I will want more and more and more until I’m so burnt out that I can barley hold on anymore; but I hope that I can sit back and realize that everything I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me. That whatever my profession or whatever my situation, I can find that glimmer of hope or happiness in any situation. Most importantly, some day I never want to worry about the way I look or what other people think of me, cuz right now, that’s all I think about. I want to be able to look into the mirror one day and be able to say, and most importantly believe, that I am beautiful. To not have this vision in my head of how I should look or how things are supposed to be. I want to be able to turn to other things when I am mad, using my hands for good instead of evil. To walk with a smile and a laugh that shows true happiness. I hope society will have stopped putting images in little kids minds on how to hold in their feelings and become what SOCIETY thinks is acceptable. I want to love myself as equally as I love everyone else.  I hope one day I won’t care to show my weakness in front of people. When I feel like crying, I will cry. Instead of clenching my teeth and holding it in. Hopefully one day, I can read this and remember what I went through but be able to say “but I made it” and that “I am enough.” I want this life that I’m living now to just be part of my story. Part of a journey.

"Give me one good reason why I should never make a change,

Baby if you hold me then all of this will go away."

"Budapest" by George Ezra

My purposeful poem

I prefer to eat pickles on a Friday night at midnight.

I prefer to pick out my clothes three weeks in advance to the day I wear it.

I prefer to try and see the good in people even if it hurts me in the end.

I prefer to look deeper than what’s right in front of you.

I prefer to attempt to make a change rather than sit around and wait for change to happen.

I prefer to sing and act in random parks with no one around.

I prefer to hold my feelings inside and release them through theatre and art.

I prefer to bring people up rather than bring people down.

I prefer to go on adventures at random times of the day just to see what I find.

I prefer to listen rather than be quick to judge.

I prefer to be someone who stays than someone who walks away.

I prefer to do what makes ME happy.

I prefer to experience a life full of different mountains to climb rather a straight road.

I prefer to hold on rather than to give up.

I prefer to find purpose in the meaningless.

"And take extra care with strangers,

 even flowers have their dangers,

And though scary is exciting,

 nice is difference than good."

"I know things now" by Into the woods

Till the end of time

        Recently, I have been thinking a lot about college and my friends next year. I have a little more than two weeks left in high school and then I am off on my own. And i'm not going to lie... it terrifies me. I mean, how can I not be scared when I am introduced since I was little the same routine every day? Sure, new things happen, but I still know where I am supposed to be and when I will do my homework or when I will lay down to go to sleep. But now, I'm going off to college in a HUGE school, not knowing who I will become friends with, when I will go to sleep at night, how much homework or responsibilities I will have, etc. And that frightens me a little. But at the same time, it excites me. I will be able to learn more about myself and grow in different ways that I have never grown before. It will take me outside of my comfort zone. I'm trying not to stress too much about it right now, but its just been something on my mind lately. I'm about to end a chapter in my life and open a new one. Along with this whole college thing, something that's been on my mind is friends. 

         Friends are people that get you through the day. They help you through every hurdle that you face and laugh with you when you feel on top of the world. Sure, you have those friends that you thought were somebody but they turn out to only hurt you in the end, but towards the end of high school, you learn who you your true friends are. My best friend is a junior, so I am going to have to leave her behind this coming fall when I attend Purdue. It makes me SO sad. 

         Me and this girl have been through almost everything that you could imagine together, good and bad. And although we have had some ups and downs, we know that at the end of the day, the only person that can cheer us up or really be there for you is that other person. We bicker all the time, but that's what best friends do. However, I wouldn't even call her my best friend. She is more like a sister. I call her at every hour of the day and we can spend ours talking about something so stupid and only funny to us, or we can talk each other out of bad situations. Truly, she is the only person that I can count on or to just understand. And that's also why I am honestly petrified for college. I won't be around this girl every second of every day. I can't always help her when she needs me and vice versa. Or talk about the cute college guys I am sure to see walking around campus. But even though I will not always be able to hop in the car and be at her house in 15 minutes, I will ALWAYS be there for her and let her know that she deserves every piece of happiness in this world, whether she believes it or not. I don't know what I would ever do without her. She will be my best friend until "death do us apart" as she would say. 

Love, your beebs.

"Sometimes it all gets a little too much,

But you got to realize that soon the fog will clear up,

And you don't have to be afraid because we're all the same,

And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much."

BOILER UP

                  Graduation is in 3 weeeeeks !!!! I have been SO busy. I had prom which was absolutely amazing and  I've been working on figuring a lot of college stuff out. It's incredible how time flies. I feel like I just started high school and now i'm about to graduate here in 3 weeks. It's insane. I will definatley miss it a lot and especially the friends and teachers I have been blessed to get to know over. But even though one chapter is ending, I'm excited and nervous for what's to come.
                  At first, I didn't really know what I wanted to do at the beginning of the year. I had so many things that I liked and that I was passionate about so I figured that going to a community college in my town would work best for me. But as I started talking to more people about what I decided, I learned that I need to leave this town. Not because it's a horrible town or that I don't like it, but because I have been so focused on getting good grades and being told what to do all the time, that I needed to go out and experience life, tell myself what I want to do, and just learn more about myself. Also, seeing your friends leave will be hard and I feel like more problems will start up and continue if I stay here. People say that college is the best 4 years of their life and I don't want to spend one of them in my parents house and doing the same thing over and over again. So I have decided to go to Purdue University this fall and I'm really excited and nervous about it. I am doing random roomating too so I need to find someone that I connect with as well. Needless to say, I don't know what's to come but I know I am in for some ups and downs, but I feel like I can take on anything right now.(: I have some prom photos attached below !


"I say what's on my mind, I might do a little time

Cuz all of my kindness, is taken for weakness,

Now I'm four five seconds for wildin "


"Four Five Seconds" By Rihanna