Just Keep Swimming

           As previously said, I have been having a tough time mentally and physically with the medicine I have been taking. On Halloween I went to the hospital to try and treat one of the biggest infections I've had since the first time I was diagnosed so that was very hard for me. Not only was I in pain, but I felt like I had taken 100 steps backwards. They gave me 2 antibiotics and in total I'm taking 11 pills so try and fight it. After that visit, on tuesday I ended up going to my regular doctor down in Noblesville to treat it even more and got about 27 steroid shots along my sternum. Although very painful and a stressful time because I am terrified of needles, it worked pretty well and my chest looks great! I think my Accutane is finally kicking in for my chest and it's really helping it. However, it's really hurting me physically and mentally. My appetite is still gone, my sleep has almost completely diminished, my stomach and head are constantly hurting, and I've broken out in a rash all on my neck and hands. I'm really struggling with it because I feel like it's affecting me in my classes as well as myself physically and mentally.
           This past saturday, one week since my last visit to the hospital, I remember sitting in a friends room playing LIFE with another friend. The next thing I remember is being stuck with an IV in a hospital. I was so scared. It was one of those times where you just want your parents with you. I stayed in the hospital for a little and then they released me to go home. After asking around a little, I come to find that I was very unresponsive to questions that were being asked to me and it would take me almost a minute to respond to questions. My whole body was shaking and I was sweating. My roommate, who is a certified EMT, took my blood pressure and it turned out it was 170 and the normal is 140. Eventually, the people in my dorm ended up calling an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital. I wish I could say that I remember the ambulance ride because it was my first one ever, but I don't. Honestly, I'm still surprised on how my friends got me to go to the hospital and even in the ambulance because I'm terrified of both of those things hahahaha. But in the end, they did and I am so thankful for them.
           After being stuck TWICE with the needle, I got some fluids and blood drawn to try and figure out what is wrong. I very much did not like the nurses there and they were definitely having a bad day. They were really rude to me. The results came back and nothing showed anything abnormal, but they predict it's just the Accutane as well as the other medicine that I am taking. They also found out I had a bladder infection which could have caused a lot of the confusion that I was having. I'm not sure what to do with the information that they gave me, I don't want to stop the Accutane because the reason I was put on it was to help my chest, and it is doing that. However, at the same time, I find myself really scared that I am going to fall deep, physically and mentally, in to this medicine and I don't even know it when it happens. As of right now, I am having a really tough time with trying to figure out why all this stuff happens and accepting that this is my life. I feel like right now I have no control over myself and when you loose that, what happens? These infections and this disease won't ever stop because it is incurable and my immune system is just really low. So infections are just in my future and present a lot and I have to come to terms with that in time. And I'm working on it. During this tough time, I'm really trying to turn to God because I know that He has a plan and is the only one that can help me. As I keep trying to push myself through this, my relationship with God will grow and I hope to know more about Him as I go.


"All my life, you stood by me,

When no one else was ever behind me,

All these lights, they can't blind me,

With your love, nobody can drag me down."


"Drag Me Down" By One Direction