Start of Something New

         Yesterday, November 13, 2015, I started the Bible. For me, it's the biggest day religiously for me since I was born. Sure I got baptized, but to me, I didn't even know what that meant. I have been talking to some friends at bible study and telling them that I have been wanting to start the Bible. The reason for wanting this is because I finally feel like I am starting that relationship with God. Not just trying to memorize the facts so that I can be smart. That comes later. I really, truly want to start a relationship with Him and by reading the Bible, I will be able to do that and understand things a lot better. At Bible study, we talk about really hard topics sometimes or just topics that I don't know about. All I can do is put my two sense in. In reality, I have no idea if I am correct at all. It's basically just me speaking my mind. So that's another reason why I want to start; because I want to actually know what I am talking about and understand the references that people make towards the Bible. 
    Coming home yesterday, I had no intention of starting it today, I just knew I wanted to start it. However, this last weekend my mom went and cleaned out my grandmas closet and trying to get rid of some of her clothes and jewelry and other possessions. I went upstairs to look at some of her clothes and objects to see if I would want any of them and after about a half hour of looking around , I picked up the clothes and moved the one's I wanted to my window seat. Underneath all those clothes, I found a Bible. The bible is in a wooden box that locks and on the inside there are prayer beads. To me, it's not just any Bible. It was my grandma's aunts sisters Virginia. Virginia passed away and gave it to her sister Mildred. Mildred passed and gave it to my grandma. Now my grandma passed and gave it to me. Underneath the Bible, was the photos of everyone it's been passed down to. It really helped me to find that because I've really felt lately like I my grandma hasn't given me a sign that she is okay or that God has given me a sign that she is okay. But this confirmed it for me. It confirmed that I know she is up there with God and is happier then she could ever be. By finding this artifact, today I began the Bible and am on the road of my relationship with God. And I am determined to be best friends with him (:


"You're just a hideaway, you're just a feeling,

You let my heart escape beyond the meaning,

Not even I can find a way to stop the storm,

Oh, baby, it's out of my control, what's going on?"


"Hide Away" By Daya

Just Keep Swimming

           As previously said, I have been having a tough time mentally and physically with the medicine I have been taking. On Halloween I went to the hospital to try and treat one of the biggest infections I've had since the first time I was diagnosed so that was very hard for me. Not only was I in pain, but I felt like I had taken 100 steps backwards. They gave me 2 antibiotics and in total I'm taking 11 pills so try and fight it. After that visit, on tuesday I ended up going to my regular doctor down in Noblesville to treat it even more and got about 27 steroid shots along my sternum. Although very painful and a stressful time because I am terrified of needles, it worked pretty well and my chest looks great! I think my Accutane is finally kicking in for my chest and it's really helping it. However, it's really hurting me physically and mentally. My appetite is still gone, my sleep has almost completely diminished, my stomach and head are constantly hurting, and I've broken out in a rash all on my neck and hands. I'm really struggling with it because I feel like it's affecting me in my classes as well as myself physically and mentally.
           This past saturday, one week since my last visit to the hospital, I remember sitting in a friends room playing LIFE with another friend. The next thing I remember is being stuck with an IV in a hospital. I was so scared. It was one of those times where you just want your parents with you. I stayed in the hospital for a little and then they released me to go home. After asking around a little, I come to find that I was very unresponsive to questions that were being asked to me and it would take me almost a minute to respond to questions. My whole body was shaking and I was sweating. My roommate, who is a certified EMT, took my blood pressure and it turned out it was 170 and the normal is 140. Eventually, the people in my dorm ended up calling an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital. I wish I could say that I remember the ambulance ride because it was my first one ever, but I don't. Honestly, I'm still surprised on how my friends got me to go to the hospital and even in the ambulance because I'm terrified of both of those things hahahaha. But in the end, they did and I am so thankful for them.
           After being stuck TWICE with the needle, I got some fluids and blood drawn to try and figure out what is wrong. I very much did not like the nurses there and they were definitely having a bad day. They were really rude to me. The results came back and nothing showed anything abnormal, but they predict it's just the Accutane as well as the other medicine that I am taking. They also found out I had a bladder infection which could have caused a lot of the confusion that I was having. I'm not sure what to do with the information that they gave me, I don't want to stop the Accutane because the reason I was put on it was to help my chest, and it is doing that. However, at the same time, I find myself really scared that I am going to fall deep, physically and mentally, in to this medicine and I don't even know it when it happens. As of right now, I am having a really tough time with trying to figure out why all this stuff happens and accepting that this is my life. I feel like right now I have no control over myself and when you loose that, what happens? These infections and this disease won't ever stop because it is incurable and my immune system is just really low. So infections are just in my future and present a lot and I have to come to terms with that in time. And I'm working on it. During this tough time, I'm really trying to turn to God because I know that He has a plan and is the only one that can help me. As I keep trying to push myself through this, my relationship with God will grow and I hope to know more about Him as I go.


"All my life, you stood by me,

When no one else was ever behind me,

All these lights, they can't blind me,

With your love, nobody can drag me down."


"Drag Me Down" By One Direction
         

Growing Relationship

               This week has been a very hard week for me mentally and physically. About a month ago I started the drug Accutane in hopes that my chest would feel better and hopefully increase the time between flare ups. Unfortunatley, Accutane has been very hard on me. I have lost my appetite and my stomach and head constantly hurt. However, somehow I find the strength in me no matter how hard it gets to just keep fighting it. I'm not really sure how though. I know in my mind that I'm done with it and I feel like I have lost all control over myself, but somehow I get up everyday and I get through it. This past saturday, I got the biggest infection I have ever gotten since I first found out I had the disease. I ended up having to go to the hospital on Halloween to get some medicine to try and fight back. In total I am taking 11 pills a day which is making me even more sick and exhausted. 

               Its a really sucky experience and it's a really sucky thing to have to deal with, but at the same time I find it kind of interesting. Like I said, even though I am in a ton of pain and most of the time don't feel like getting up from bed because I feel sick and tired, I find strength. I don't know where that strength comes from but I am almost convinced that God is giving me it. I could look at this situation and be mad that He is making me going through this and that it's not fair, but it's life. And He has a plan for me. I mentioned in my last post that I am trying to build a relationship with God and I feel like this is a test for me. Do I get mad and give up, or do I realize that it's Him helping me be stronger and make our relationship stronger? I would never say that I am thankful that I have this disease, but it does make me feel better to know that I am not in it alone and that God knows what he is doing and I trust that. Not to mention the people on my floor are constantly loving and supporting me through it and I can't thank them enough. 

"I see your monsters, I see your pain,

I see your problems, I'll chase them away,

I'll be your lighthouse, I'll make it okay,

When I see your monsters I'll stand their so brave ,

And chase them all away."

"Monsters" By Timeflies