Fall Retreat

           This weekend I experienced something completely different for me. You see, I have always been a christian since I was born, I guess you could say I was born in to it. I went to church every sunday in California and then we moved to Indiana and couldn't really connect with any churches that we liked so we just kind of stopped going. I've tried reading the Bible, but it never really interested me enough to finish it. I prayed, but only if I needed something. I went through a hard time while I was mentally not there and I kind of gave up on it. I didn't have faith that I could help me or even He could help me. I questioned why ALL the the time. Why was He making me go through this? Why do bad things happen when He is supposed to be all good? 
         I moved in to Purdue about 2 and a half months ago and I have met some AMAZING people on my floor. It's weird, because in high school I probably never would have seen myself friends with them. I just was so different and I feel like I have matured so much since just that short time ago. But let me tell you about these people on my floor. They are some of the most genuine, amazing, faithful, gorgeous, and HILARIOUS friends I have ever had. They love me unconditionally and I love them unconditionally. It's like we are this whole community that is just surrounded by love. And I admit, I drank the first couple months of college and before, but when I'm with them, I don't need to. I have a good time without all that stuff. And I finally feel, for once in my life, that I don't have to pretend to be someone that I'm not. Along with these amazing friends, some of them introduced me to a group called Cru at Purdue. It's a Christain youth Group that basically strengthens their relationship with God and just discuss different aspects of their religion. The people who introduced it to me wanted me to go try it. At first I was a little scared cuz I don't know as much as them and I wasn't sure what was going on in my head, but I went anyway. 
          And that right there has got to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. This group of people are just so welcoming and kind and that reach out to you in ways that others can't. My fear of not knowing as much about Christianity as others completely diminished when I got there. The cool thing about this group that I have never really felt before with any other youth group is how you can ask any question and they will answer it. Whether you think it's a dumb question or a risky question. They don't care. And there is this overwhelming feeling of security every time I am with this people. I feel safe and loved and welcomed and you don't know how great that feels. 
          So this weekend I decided to go to Cru Fall Retreat down in Lake Placid, Indiana. It was CRAZY!!! There was over 300 Purdue students there and I loved every minute of it. It was like one huge community coming together for one purpose. At one point I even got a little teary eyed. The energy I felt from this is indescribable. We had an amazing guest speaker and saw some pretty funny skits, a small group discussion, and a bonfire. One of the topics that kept coming up was how people go to church and they read the Bible and follow all of these rules, but in the end are they really in a relationship with God or are they just doing it to do it. And they got me because I feel like when I was younger, I knew who he was just like I know who Channing Tatum is. I watch Channing Tatum movies just like I read the Bible. But did I really know him? Was I really in a relationship with God? No. 
          And that's what really spoke to me this week. I feel like this weekend was a turning point for me in my faith and I can begin my relationship with God. I want to do that. I know now that that bad stuff that I thought He was doing, it gives you a direction. It points you to better things. And I can not even describe how happy I am right now. It's like one of those moments where you know that right now, at this very moment, I am exactly where I need to be. Everything I have done previous to right now, led me to this point. And quite honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. 
          I love you Kanye 2 west (;


 "Yeah I am invincible, no I ain't a scared little girl no more,

Yeah I am invincible, what was I runnin' for,

I was hiding from the world, I was so afraid, I felt so unsure,

Now I am invincible, another perfect storm."


"Invincible" by Kelly Clarkson

Standards of Living

           You know those moments where you sit there and spin things over in your head like a thousand times while sitting in bed at night because you can't sleep? I don't mean the thoughts where you are trying to figure out what to wear on a certain day (which don't get me wrong, I have those thoughts too) but I mean those thoughts where you really think deep about it. This happens to me every night. I'm glad that I am able to sit and analyze deeply about a topic or something that happened that day, other times I'm just really annoyed and want to go to sleep. But one thing that I keep finding myself coming back to is the aspect of college. You may be thinking "ok what about college? College is college. It doesn't require any deep thinking..." But if you actually sit back and think about it for a little while, college really is quite interesting.
       It's not the people or the situations/stories (although those can be HILARIOUS), I'm talking about just the concept of college. College really isn't that different than high school. We are getting an education, we have friends around us to make it through, we build the same relationships with teachers and students, and we spend most of our time on our education. Sure, classes get a TON harder and we are actually living at our school and maybe we are learning things that actually interest us, but other than that college really isn't that different. I just think it's weird how someone perceives this idea that high school is going to be so much different than college. I did the exact same thing. You work yourself up that it's so different than what you are used to but in reality, you adapt to your surroundings and you realize that your here for the same purpose as you were in high school. I don't know, maybe you think this little rant is just me thinking too much while i'm trying to fall asleep, but it really does make you think. 
        Another thing I think is interesting is how our whole life we have grown up with a set of standards. The standards of beauty, the praise for A's but the punishment for C's, the standards of living, the standards of relationship, etc. Not one person can achieve all theses standards that we are setting. It's impossible. I get frustrated at this sometimes because I don't want to grow up with standards or "checkpoints" in my life that defines me as being successful or unsuccessful. It's like a certain structure in our life or requirements we have to meet at certain points. You're born, you go to school, you go to college, you meet a guy while your in college, you get a job, you get married, and so on.... and in that order. 
       The thing that gets me frustrated though is the fact that I get frustrated at myself when I don't follow those things in a particular order. I feel like everything has to be perfect all the time and growing up like that all your life really sucks. I think that's one of the things that make me so insecure about myself. It's one of the things that make me feel like I'm not good enough for things and really doesn't let me see my true worth. And that's something I've really been working on for almost a whole year now. 
       Recently I had a conversation about all this with a friend and she really made me realize that I shouldn't have "requirements" or "checkpoints" in my life to make myself successful. From now on, I'm going to live life my way and do things when I want to do them. I'm not going to go out a search for things just so that I can accomplish something in life. Things are supposed to come to you. If you keep searching you'll miss out on all the great opportunities that lay before you. So to people reading this, don't follow all the standards that people give you. Make you're own standards. Only you know what's best for you. So you do you and make YOURSELF happy, not anyone else. Because only then can you be successful.


"He rocks in the treetops all day long,

Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song,

All the little birdies on jaybird street,

Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet"


"Rockin' Robin" By Bobby Day

stressful times= be happy (:

       This past two weeks have been very stressful for me. As I mentioned in my other blog post, my grandma sadly passed away September 26 and that will forever be etched in to my mind. I don't think I have ever missed someone as much as I miss her right now. I miss her voice, her smell, her humor, and calling her. I picked up the phone the other day to call her and that was one of those moments where you sit back and realize that she isn't there anymore to call up and say hi. It's pretty hard for me right now, but with the support of family and friends, I will get through it. I know that she may not be with me physically, but I feel her almost everywhere I go. I cannot express how blessed I am to have gotten the chance to know her that long and I have the best guardian angel up there to look after me. The funeral has past, and I think that's the scariest part for me. I don't want to ever forget her. She gave me her cross necklace after she passed and that is what I hang on to at all times. I don't take it off, even to shower. I believe that's what keeps me and my grandma so close and close to my heart. With that necklace, she can never be forgotten and she WILL never be forgotten. 

       I ended up missing 3 days of school so these past two week I have been trying to catch up on my missing assignments as well as current homework and studying for exams. Tonight I had a psychology exam which I am hoping and praying I did good on. College isn't what I expected. I remember day dreaming about these days and I can tell you that my day dream did not fit what I saw. Yes, it's a lot more fun then I thought. I get more freedom and the atmosphere is one of the best things. There is always something to do. But it's also a lot harder then I thought. A lot more work to do. A lot more days where you can't be with family if you need to when your sad. You rely on yourself and only yourself. 

       I know people say it's bad to look back on your past, but lately that's what I have been doing. It's weird seeing how much has changed from a year ago; good and bad. Last year I was going through one of the hardest points in my life trying to get better mentally, I was dealing with situations that I never in a million years thought I would have to deal with, I was being a kid a year ago. Looking at my life now, it scares me because I feel like that "kid" is gone. Yes, you mature and that's good because you can't act like a kid always but I am also scared of loosing that kid personality. I don't always want to be serious. As long as I live, I always what that part of me that can be a kid and not be afraid to make mistakes or care about what others think or worry about bigger issues or seeing yourself so differently than you do now. It's just weird and I know you can't really change that back, but some of me wishes to get that back.

       As of right now currently, I know I have so much more progress to make. And even with these big obstacles in the way, I just keep reminding myself that there is someone out there that has it worse and to enjoy these 4 years because you can only live in this moment once so you better make the most of it. It's not fun to go around sulking and I know that nobody would want that, so being happy is the best thing to do for yourself. So I am going to continue living a happy life and do adventurous things and be fearless because I need more of that. 

"Let's marvin Gaye and get it on,

You got that healing that I want, 

Just like they say it in the song, until the dawn,

Let's marvin Gaye and get it on."

  

"Fight Song" by Rachel Platten