Tomorrow's the day

           So tomorrow is the day that I move into Purdue. The place that I will be staying for the next year. It's weird because my best friend and I have been avoiding this all summer. At the beginning of June we told each other "Oh well, we won't worry about it until the day before." Now it's the day before and I just got done saying bye to her. An hour and a half doesn't seem too far away, but to two people who are with each other almost every day and would see each other when we were upset, it's a long way away. I can't just come and see her when I am upset or when she is upset. So knowing that I won't see her sometimes for months at a time is devastating to me and will definatley be hard to get used to. 

           I can't deny being nervous and scared for this new part of my life. I mean it terrifies me, but somehow everyone does it and everyone gets through it. The things I will miss the most will probably be just the little things: hanging out with my best friend on school nights at the park or getting ice cream or even arguing constantly. I will also miss that home feeling that my house has. It's comfortable for me and I love my bed and MY OWN bathroom so much. hahaha. I'm nervous about getting into my normal routine and knowing my way around campus or getting to/doing good in my classes. But I'm also excited for making new friends and seeing/experiencing new things and just the normal stuff. I want to find more about myself these next four years. And I think this will give me an opportunity to do that. And I'm also SUPER EXCITED to decorate my room the way I want and without the help of anyone else. So of course there are some pros and cons of this, but I'm sure once I get into it, I will love it. And my best friend will always be my best friend and the adventures we can have now are endless. I can't wait for her to come up here and see my soon-to-be new home. (:

"I never worry, life is a journey,

I just wanna enjoy the ride,

What is the hurry? It's pretty early,

It's okay, we'll take our time"

"The Night Is Still Young" by Nicki Minaj

Kid at heart

           When working with kids, the great thing about it is the fact that they say simple answers to such complex questions and sometimes, I have to be honest, it really is that simple. I was working today and a kid was asking me if I wanted to play dolls with her and without thinking, I said "no I can't play with dolls. I'm too old to play with dolls." So she went on and played dolls with some friends in the class and a couple minutes later she came back up to me and sat on my lap. She looked up at me and said "Miss Leah, I never want to become a grown up." Out of curiosity, I asked "why??" And she said "because then you can't do fun things like play dolls." And after that she hopped down and began playing again.

           It was weird, it was such a simple response but also a complex idea.  I thought about it some more and she was so right. I've always told myself that I never want to loose my little kid qualities or my creativeness. But it seems to me like I have begun to. However, this little girl, by saying one thing, gave me a reality check. I am never too old to do kid stuff. Everyone should have kid-like qualities at heart. Why should we always be so serious and have to grow up? It's like we try so hard to grow up but once we get there we wonder where the time has gone and how much grown up stuff we have to do and we don't take a step back and think about all the things that we can still keep with us as we grow older.

            So with this on my head today, I have been thinking about all the ways to keep being creative and working on keeping that creativity. Luckily, I had a high school teacher that did a whole lesson on creativity and what to do to work on it. I am going to keep working on my sketchbook as always, and maybe do some extra things to keep my brain going. I also want to create projects to get the kids creativity going and make sure that they don't loose it; at least in my classroom. And if that little girl ever asks me again if I want to play dolls, my answer will always be a yes.

"Oh I'll never know what makes this man,

With all the love that his heart can stand,

Dream of ways to throw it all away, 

Oh, gravity is working against me,

And gravity wants to bring me down."

"Gravity" by John Mayer

Be The Not Normal

     I have just been in a ranting mood apparently because this is my second post in one night. It's night time and as always, my mind spins with things that I want to happen or do or change. But now I am really thinking about how much the experiences in our lives really change us and make us who we are. I mean if I were to have a disability, my life would be completely different. So it got me thinking about all the experiences I have had and I have this sudden urge to experience more because while I feel like I have experienced a lot, I still am unsatisfied. I want more. 

     I want to travel and see different cultures. And not just see these cultures but live these cultures that are so different than what I mine is. I want to learn the different foods that they are used to or realize how hard it is to be the one who sticks out from the crowd because they don't speak the same language. I want to put myself in the shoes of someone different. I want to try new things. 

      And as I think more about it, I wish when my parents asked me where we wanted to go for vacation, I wouldn't have said the typical "Florida" response because at the time I wanted to be like everyone else. But now I wish I would have picked somewhere that other's wouldn't have picked to go. I don't want to experience the same thing as another person because what's the point in that? It's already done. I wish I would have replied with "Haiti" or "Rome" or "Mexico." And I'm not talking the huge cities that everyone goes to visit and be a tourist. I mean go to the little cities and really see the culture. Something that we as people haven't changed to fit our "American" needs. It seems like everyone and everything is the same nowadays and to be honest, I don't like it. I want something different. I want to experience something different. Or read something different. I want to BE something different. I want to test my knowledge and gain a whole new perspective on things. So that's what this year is going to be. A change. A challenge. A new beginning. To learning new things, doing new things and experiencing all these different cultures that I don't even know about. I want to be more in tune to what is around me rather than what's on my phone. Because if we take a step back and really look at all of our surroundings, it's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

"And I never wanted anything from you,

Except everything you had and what was left after that too,

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back,

Struck from a great height by someone,

Who should know better than that."

"Dog Days Are Over" by Florence and the Machines

Spread Happiness (:

           I have really been thinking recently on the happiness of myself and other people. Latley, I have just been witnessing a lot of hate between people that I know  and I have got to say, it kind of gives me anxiety a little. The fact that our generation is growing up with social media and school and texting. If you want to be mean to someone, you can find multiple ways to do it. 

          I'm not perfect, I'm sure I have made someone feel pretty crappy before but when I do, I realize it and I apologize because that is what my parents have taught me to do. I try to put myself in the other persons shoes because something I say, can be extremely hurtful to another person and I for one, don't want to hurt anyone no matter if I like that person or not. That's the thing that we all have to remember; that EVERYONE deserves to be happy. No matter what they have said to you or has done, or there race, or there gender, or views on matters. We ALL deserve happiness. If someone is mean to you, you have to remember that that person is probably going through something to make them lash out at you but there becomes a fine line between just being mean and bullying someone. It's not acceptable. Why do we want to make someone feel sad? That person could have so many things going on in there lives that they could do something to themselves and I'm sure that if you took a step back and thought "What if that person died tonight" would you feel guilty? I'm sure you would. 

           We have to remember what our jobs as people are. Is it our job to go around and make people feel like crap? No. We want to spread happiness and joy to others because I don't know about you, but I want to see more people happy and less people with personal problems. Even people with problems that aren't personal you can help just by giving them a compliment or by smiling at them and being nice. When you're nice to someone you feel good, rather then wasting all the energy to be rude to someone else and in the inside you feel bad. 

            I don't know, I know everyone is good on the inside and we all have kind hearts but can we all just try and be a little nicer to people? Make someone's day a little brighter. Go out of your way and do something special for someone. Spread kindness and laughter. And if you don't "like" a person or you don't like something they have done or said, ignore it. Don't associate with them. But DO NOT make them feel like crap and bring them down. Because that's a horrible feeling that everyone knows and I'm sure we all don't like. If you have done something like that to someone, go apologize. I'm sure that other person would feel a lot better. If you take anything out of this whole rant, just think before you speak and spread happiness not hate please and thank you(:

"He rocks in the tree tops all day long,

Hoppin and a-boppin and singing his song,

All the little birdies on Jaybird street, 

Love to hear the robin join tweet tweet tweet."

"Rockin' Robin" by Bobby Day

My Experience at the Mayo Clinic

                   Boy  Boy was this week a long week. Monday morning, my mom and I headed up to Rochester, Minnesota on a quest to figure out what to else to do for my chest (which you can see what's wrong in my last post). So it took about 8 and 1/2 hours to get there and if you don't know Rochester, it's a very old town. So when we drove in, I could NOT stop laughing because there water tower is a giant corn and all the hotels were just very old to say the least. But it worked and we lived. hahahaha. However, Rochester does have a diverse and amazing restaurants up there. During our whole trip I got to eat Indian and Mediterranean food and it was killer. 

Anyway, Tuesday morning was my first appointment with a dermatologist who knew a lot. I felt very informed after that visit. She confirmed with me that I do have Hiddradenitis Suppurativa because that disease isn't just something that you can swab and it comes back and says I have that; the symptoms are what you look at to see that you have it. So she confirmed I had it and then told me that my sweat glands just always get infected because of the disease and it could be because of how weak my immune system is. She compared the disease to acne inside my sweat glands, just a bigger type of acne. It has a lot of sores and infection and lumps in it that my body can't get rid of. So then the question came up, "what's are next step?"     

         Obviously I always have to watch being around sick people (I even got a mask!!) and making sure I covering any open cuts with bandages, but for my chest they had a couple options. A big surgery was not an option because of the way I heal and laser treatment wasn't either because of how long it takes and it basically just burns your skin. So they decided to do two things. One, they want to put me on a birth control because hormones with this disease is a bad combination because I am still becoming a woman so my hormones aren't regular which makes me get flare ups all the time. So putting me on birth control will regulate my hormones. The second thing that they are going to do, which is kind of the scariest thing for me is put me on a drug called Acutane. Acutane will completely shut down my sweat gland system and my oil production so that there is no way I can get really any flare ups or infection down there. But there becomes side effects with that. All of my skin will become extremely dry since I can't produce oil. So my face and arms and lips will constantly be extremely dry so I will have to be special skin care and chapstick for myself while I am on it. My diet also has to be pretty good because it raises your cholesterol levels and blood sugar while you're on it so I don't want to add more to that. They said once I get off it though, my levels should go back to normal. It also increases mental health problems so that is kind of scary but I am doing good and right now I think that I can do anything. I have amazing friends to go to and if it starts acting up, there are ways to stop it. If anything becomes to serious, they can take me off it and we can find a different treatment plan I guess. I will be on these two medicines for a year and while I am on it, I will have to go and have monthly blood drawn to make sure everything is good and that I am not pregnet. So that will also kind of be a hassle in college but I'm not complaining. They helped me and that's what I asked for.  I'm just a little leary of Acutane but I will be okay. I also can't drink more than a cup a day of alcohol while I'm on it and I'm gonna be honest, I'm going to college and it could happen but I just can't have more than a glass if any. So that is kind of scary as well. Then next year in July I will come back to Mayo and they will check me out and if everything is ok at that time, I will set up an appointment for that upcoming winter break to have cosmetic surgery on my scar which would be awesome!!

       Tuesday afternoon, I got to go up to Cannon Falls, Minnesota which was about 45 minutes away and I got to see my Aunt Kristi that I was very happy to see because I hadn't seen her in a while. It was awesome to see her and we went to a gorgeous little town and had a really good dinner. Wednesday morning, I got to go to educational classes in the morning that can help me while I go through the medicine and the treatment. I went to an eating healthy class which was pretty cool and I learned that I know I am going to college and they don't really have the best food to choose from but if half my plate is healthy, then I am doing good. The other class I went to was how to handle stress. Stress has a hugeeee part in my disease and I am almost always stressed so it was cool to see other ways I can handle it and the lady was awesome. 

         Wednesday afternoon, I had my last appointment which was with a surgeon and I didn't really think that he would do anything but when we got in there, he talked a little more about my medicine and some details with the cosmetic surgery but he also found a spot at the lower end of my chest that was full of infection. So they sat me on a table and and I looked away and they numbed me all up and cut out a portion of my chest. It was kind of gross cause I could hear the tools and the snipping and stuff but they got it out and drained all the fluid out of my chest and I was good to go within an hour. They didn't stitch it up because they wanted the rest to drain and heal from the inside out. So I have bandages covering my chest right now and it's pretty painful but it will get better (: I was just so happy when they numbed me up because that's really the only time I don't feel pain in that area!! So they let me go and I was free to leave. Then me and my mom decided to get some driving out of the way that night so we drove 3 hours to Madison, Wisconsin and stayed there which is always a fun place to stay! We ate at another awesome restaurant called the Old Fashioned. I definatley recommend it if you're ever in Madison! I just got back home today at around 5:30 and I am exhausted and am going to take some IbProfen to help with the pain! Thank you for anyone who has stayed by my side during this whole journey! You guys rock!!!

"Let's marvin gaye and get it on,

You got that healing that I want,

Just like they say it in the song,

Until the dawn, let's marvin gaye and get it on.

"Marvin Gaye" by Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor

5 years ago today my life changed

           Time really does fly let me tell you. 5 years ago today, my life changed in an unexpected way for good and bad. I was up in Wisconsin the summer of my soon-to-be 8th grade year when I found something on my chest that was very sore and looked like a pimple. I didn't think much of it until I was throwing around a softball with my dad and it popped. The moment I came home from vacation we went in to see my family doctor. Right when he saw it, he swabbed it for MRSA. It thankfully turned out negative, but I was in for a long year ahead of me. 

      My 8th grade year and half of my freshman year consisted of trying to find out what this thing was. I went to a wound care specialist after it duplicated, staying with her till the middle of my freshman year. She didn't really know what it was but just kept trying different treatments to see if we could get it to go away. I went through many silver nitrate treatments (which is basically where they burn your skin into a whole so you can grow back new, uninfected tissue) and two painful surgeries that consisted in 36 stitches right along my sternum. All the while, I was playing travel softball with this thing that felt like someone stabbing me every single day in the chest. Eventually, come freshman year, I was told I could not play softball anymore because it was getting worse and it hurt too much to play. I was a pitcher and I loved softball more than anything but I had to quite to better myself. Also during this year and a half, I traveled to 8 different doctors still trying to figure it out. 

        Finally, come sophomore year, I found a dermatologist and he diagnosed me with Hidradenitis Suppurativa. Basically what that is is where my sweat glands get infected at any given moment. It is usually at its worst when I sweat a lot or i'm really stressed out. Weirdly enough, the only sweat gland that acts up for me is on my sternum which is an odd location for this disease. It is more commonly found under your arms or in your groin area. However, my doctor has said that as I grow older, it can pop up in those areas. Along with HS, I am Keloid, which means that when I get a scar, it becomes very raised. So the typical response for when patient's sweat glands become infected is to go in surgically and drain that fluid, but doctors have to be very careful with cutting me open because of the way I scar; so I can't be cut open unless it is very serious. Lastly, my immune system is very weak compared to a normal person so infections are like a second nature to me and I constantly get them. If I got a scratch, I could get them. So I have to be very very careful if I get an open wound or if I'm around someone sick.

        So when they told me that I had these two things my first reaction was, "okay, how do we cure it and make it go away." That was the tough part. There is no cure. That hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew I would be in for a rude awakening. So we can't cure it, but we are working on finding a treatment that works for me. It still acts up to this day and I am constantly on antibiotics and getting shots. It is july right now and just this year I have been put on 8 antibiotics. As for shots, I go in almost every month and I have gotten as little as 3 and as many as 236. It all depends on how bad it is when I go in. Treatments have kind of stopped working for me right now because my body has gotten so used to them so I am happy to say that I got accepted for an appointment at the Mayo Clinic up in Rochester, Minnesota and I leave on Monday. I am absolutely terrified, but I know that it is for my best. 

        And yes, these treatments suck and I hate doing them, but everyone goes through something and life and it's just something I have to deal with. I'm strong and I can make it through. The bright side to my disease is that I know many more things about medicine and about myself then I did before. I know how much pain I can take and when I need help. Yes, I had to quit a sport that I absolutely loved, but it let me focus on my acting and singing way more and for that I am thankful. So take my advice and if you're dealing with something, always look to the bright side of things. There is ALWAYS a bright side. And remember that you are strong enough to get through anything that is thrown at you. You can do it!!!

"They say we're a freak when we're having fun,

Say you must be high when you're spreading love,

But we're just living life and we never stop,

Cause we got the world."

"We Got The World" by Icona Pop

      

      

Here's To A New Beginning

        Since I'm done with high school now and moving on to college, I think it would make sense to write about that transition. That transition is probably one of the biggest and maybe the most difficult one you have. In high school, you are told what to do at every given time, you live at home, many have a bed time as to when they have to go to bed, you have a plan that works around your schedule as to when you will study, ect. You have a daily routine that you have been used to since basically preschool; and now, you're moving up and going to college where there is no routine made and you have to make it yourself.

       I have to admit, I am a little nervous about going to college for those reasons. I really want to do well and my anxiety is through the roof with how I will study and things. I know that I will be fine once I get there, it's just the waiting part that's hard right now. 

       A couple weeks ago I finally got my roommate which I was FREAKING OUT about because it was at random and I really wanted a good connection with this person. So I got a text from her the day it was released and I have to say, I am really happy with it. She seems super nice and sweet and we have a good connection already. I haven't met her yet, but I can definatley tell that it is off to a good start and we will be spending a lot of time together which I am VERY excited about. 

      I'm really looking forward to this year and I want to start off on a good start. And I am extremely ready for that new beginning. I want to let my past behind, especially with the problems I have faced, and just start fresh. One thing that I absolutely love doing is writing in a new journal. That first page where it's just a new start and that's exactly what I will be doing come August 17th. So may college bring new friends, crazy adventures, academic achievements, opportunities, and making a change. 

"This is my fight song, take back my life song,

prove i'm alright song, my powers turned on,

starting right now I'll be strong, I'll play my fight song,

And I don't really care if nobody else believes,

Cause I still got a lot of fight left in me."

"Fight Song" by Rachel Platten