Man is it crazy... to look back and read my blog post from the last
fall retreat. How I accepted God right there all because of a Channing Tatum
analogy that I heard. How I realized that the life I was living was
not okay and that I needed God so badly in my life. I went into fall
retreat last year with the lowest hopes, but it gave me the highest
hopes.
This year was a
little different. I came in with the highest hopes possible for this
trip... coming from someone who started a countdown in July for this weekend.
But to be honest, I've been dreading this blog post. The reason why I write
this though is because I know someone out there needs to hear it too.
Fall Retreat was
not AT ALL what I expected. I thought of a fun time with my community and
nothing but laughs and giggles. However, that wasn't my experience. I still
loved this trip, don’t get me wrong, it was just in a different way. It just definitely
wasn’t a trip full of a bunch of laughs. The theme for the weekend was
"Breaking Free." I was a little on edge just hearing the theme, but
nonetheless I went. We did many fun things like sardine, jam sessions in the
car ride on the way up, flamingo football, just being in a completely secluded
area away from technology, and nothing but a community of believers. It was
awesome. But... the one thing that got to me were the talks. They hit a little
close to home for me. Many times I had to step out and take a breather. I was
vulnerable with people that a year ago I probably never would cry in front of
or even talk about my problems with.
However, I also
fought God a little bit. I would listen to these talks and just get
so frustrated that God was relaying a message to me about breaking free
(from guilt, from temptation, from shame, from past problems, etc.). I got so frustrated
a lot of the times I just shook my head and didn't want to listen to any of it.
You see, the main thing my head just kept going back on was the things I did
in my past. Be it drink alcohol where I was so drunk I could barely stand in my
senior year, smoke marijuana in the back of friends houses, and even
self-harming to get some sort of control on my life that was spinning so out of
hand. I realize how wrong these things are now, but at the time, it completely
immersed my life. And my whole life I have felt so ashamed of these things and
couldn't speak to people about it. So when Roger Hershey got up there and
started talking about temptations (that I still have every day of my life because they once were everyday of my life), or
being guilty/shameful for your past. I'd say, yes, it hit a little close to home. Very
close to home. But I want to share with you what spoke to me during his talks.
Because as hard as it is, and as hard as it still is and will probably always be, it's the one thing in our
lives that is speaking the truth. And we need to hear it (even if you really
don't want to, like I felt).
(1) I don't know if you heard of the story Adam and Eve from the
Bible, but if not, you can look it up in Genesis or online and you can read all about
it. Anyway, I have read this story multiple times within the last year and each
time the thing I focused on was always how because of them, sin was let loose
in the world. That's the main message right? Maybe. But maybe not. Roger
Hershey pointed out a completely different perspective, maybe just a little
detail. But in one verse it talks about how God calls out to Adam and Eve and
they hide themselves with pieces of leaves, ashamed and guilty of what they've
done. They didn't want to approach God. That's what Hershey focused on.
How so many times we cover our selves up with "leaves" because
we are so ashamed that others might see who we really are. Man was that me. Man
is that everyone. We use makeup to cover up our flaws, we wear expensive
clothes to make us look cooler, we spend money on things we don't really need
to to impress others... I've realized that I have been doing that with my
emotions. I can flip a switch and you would never know how I really felt. I
could win an award for the things I could hide. But the thing is, is that in this
community and in my longness for true friends, I've come to see that I don't
need to. After fall retreat, I have been too tired to even come up with a
fake answer as to how I feel. I say what I feel. I encourage everyone else to
do the same.
(2) God gives us the freedom to break free from the
guilt/shame/problems in the past/temptations. You don't need "leaves"
to cover yourself up. I, and other people, want to see exactly who
you are and how you are feeling. I know, it's easier said then done. Trust
me, I still have huge trust issues, but one of my Cru Staff friends told me
"sometimes you just have to take risks." Surprise, when you accept Christ
into your life, you are also accepting suffering. And that's a really hard
thing to do. But while everything is so inconsistent in our lives, faith is one
thing that will always be there. That doesn't mean it won't get tested... (my
faith is getting tested at this moment) but it WILL always be there.
(3) Another thing Roger Hershey talked about was
an analogy of all the things us college students are carrying around. It's
like a bowling ball, chained to our feet so that everytime we walk, it
slows us down and feels like we are carry 30 pounds with us everywhere we
go. It's hard. The weight of everything is always with you. Yet the thing
we so often don't realize is that it doesn't have to. (again, harder said then
done). But we can give those worries and problems to God and trust that He will
take care of it. When Roger Hershey told the analogy, the thing I pictured
was us having the key in our pockets. The whole time, we had the key. The
key represents us and the things and emotions we are feeling. The lock is God. When
we put the key in the lock, we are giving all of our emotions and all of our
problems to God. He's there at any time. You just have to put the key in the
lock.
(4) Find things that fuel the fire to your temptations and triggers an
emotional response and get those things out of your life. Sometimes the
things that make us the most upset are right in front of our eyes.
(5) Lastly, I talked to a Cru Staff friend about the things going through
my mind and how all I want to be is happy. Myself. Not for anyone else. Just
me. I want to be happy, without the expectations of making others happy. And I
want others to be happy too, just for themselves instead of others. But she
told me that that is inaccurate. That it's not sustainable. You see, happy
is something that we can feel for a short period of time, but it's not
long term. It's only temporary. Inconsistent. She said that I shouldn't
being praying for that, but what I should be praying for is to be joyful and
for others to be joyful. So of course I asked, "What's the difference
between happy and joyful?" She said the difference is that joy is long
term. It is consistent. Joyful is being able to decide to be
happy through the suffering and the good times. This is something that I am
working on right now. It's so hard to be joyful during the hard times, but I
trust God with my problems and my feelings and I trust that He can bring joy in
the difficult times. My goal is to be more open to people and let them in on my
problems and past experiences! I just don't see a reason to cover them up anymore.
Now, I know this blogpost is a lot. I
know it's long. And maybe even hard to hear. I get it. You may just want to completely
shut it out..... but don't. The Lord is working in each one of our lives
right now. One of my amazing friends on this trip, after I told her some things that have been stressing me out lately, said "Wow that's really cool. God's really working in your life right now." Trust me at the time I was startled... but it's starting to make a little more sense.
At this point, we are each on a spiritual journey of some kind.
Sometimes it's hard to just be able to trust in God. It seems like I'm
doing a lot of it lately.... spiritually, personally, financially...
but that's faith. I can't overcome the things I mentioned previously without
God. He gives me the strength each day to get up. Even if it's just getting up.
It's something. And some day's, He gives me the strength to run a
marathon. You just have to take it day by day. He will provide. You just have
to trust Him.
"Give me your heart, give me
your song,
Sing it with all your might, come to
the fountain and,
you can be satisfied.
There is a peace, there is a love,
You can get lost inside, come
to the fountain and,
let me hear you testify."
"Testify" by NEEDTOBREATHE
